HORACE, N.D.

When Brittany Poppe was growing up, her mother, Tami, was her world.

“She was the solid rock of our family,” Brittany said, noting that in those years, as her father, Tony Boyer, battled Parkinson’s disease, her mom became the security for her and her brother — and, by necessity, the head of the household.

“My mom has always been just a really great example of how to be a good mom,” Brittany said, who’s “always parented from a place of faith and being led by God.”

She considers her mother her best friend now, but some years back, that tight mother-daughter bond was ruptured when, at 16, she began engaging in what she called “a secret relationship.”

“(Mom) gave my brother and I a lot of freedom, but the very few rules we had, (my boyfriend) didn’t respect,” Brittany said.

She ignored her mother’s wishes to end the relationship. “I always respected her up to that point, even when I didn’t agree with her,” Brittany said, “but for whatever reason, I decided she didn’t have my best interests at heart.”

At 17, Brittany became pregnant and chose to abort her child, without her mother knowing.

Despite having been taught integrity and honesty, Brittany said, “The whole reason I had the abortion was to hide the fact that I had been lying to her for so long,” adding, “she found out anyway, and it devastated her.”

A law paved the way

A few years earlier, she said, her mom had taken Brittany to lunch downtown Fargo near the Red River Women’s Clinic, the state’s only abortion facility, pointing out the pro-life sidewalk advocates who were trying to help the abortion-vulnerable women choose life.

“So, I knew abortion was accessible in Fargo, but I didn’t know if it was accessible to me,” she said.

Smartphones had just become popular, Brittany said, and though her mother had taken hers away, her boyfriend gave her one covertly, which she used to research “under-age abortions.”

Despite her minor status, a judicial bypass law gave Brittany a “workaround.” She only needed a five-minute court hearing with a judge asking a few questions, she said, to end her child’s life.

In early November 2010, the older sister of a good friend helped Brittany get excused from school by pretending to be her mom on the phone, and an abortion facility staff member drove Brittany, who’d never seen a courtroom before, to the hearing.

From there, they headed to the abortion facility. Though her boyfriend hadn’t wanted the abortion, Brittany said, after realizing “he had no legal rights,” he accompanied her there and paid for the abortion.

Brittany said she was numb at that point, just going through the motions. “I needed to devise this scheme, check the boxes and get this done,” she said.

And because she knew what abortion was, she couldn’t even feign ignorance.

“I had to reconcile that later — that I wasn’t going into this innocently,” she said.

A grandma grieves

Tami said she attributed the stark changes in her daughter to grief, with her father having died the previous year. “I saw a little bit of rebellion,” she commented, a departure from Brittany’s personality. “She’s always been strong-willed, but this was different.”

In hindsight, she regrets not asking more questions, Tami said, but there was so much going on that she missed some signs.

During the fall of Brittany’s senior year, Tami noticed her daughter seeming overly tired. Tami also suspected she was seeing the young man she’d felt uneasy about.

One evening, Brittany admitted to the relationship, leading to an argument. Brittany handed her mother the bag she’d brought home from the Red River Women’s Clinic, its logo attached.

“What are you trying to tell me?” Tami asked, and Brittany burst into tears. “I just grabbed her and hugged her,” she said, and Brittany revealed everything.

Tami said she felt many things: relief at finally understanding the source of her daughter’s changes; sadness at not being able to be there for her; grief over her dead grandchild; and, finally, anger toward the judge.

“My anger was never with her [my daughter],” Tami said. “To this day, I struggle with my anger with the judge. That abortion never would have happened if she’d had to ask me.”

And while Brittany is responsible for her choice, she added, “I hold that judge responsible for putting my daughter in a position that could have cost her life down the road.”

For years, Brittany spiraled mentally, emotionally and spiritually, Tami said, due to that choice — one the judge endorsed in five minutes.

“Judges can go home at night, but their decisions carry on for years and affect many people,” Tami said. “I wish there were a way for me to change that, because we would have another family member on earth with us, and there’s no doubt the baby would have been raised at home with us. But he took that from me.”

He couldn’t take, however, their primordial and tender relationship, now reviving. “I just loved her through it, and she loved me back,” Tami said, agreeing together that it should never have happened. “All I wanted to do was hug her and touch her. I didn’t want her away from me anymore.”

Tami said she thinks all the time about “that little guy,” whom she looks forward to meeting in heaven someday. “I know I will, and there’s hope in that,” Tami said.

But she emphasized that abortion is never as easy as, “‘I’ll have this done on Thursday and I’ll be fine by Friday.”

Still roads to go

For Brittany, that moment of truth with her mom brought satiating relief. “I had been holding the world on my shoulders,” she said, noting that the unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend eventually ended.

“I was still very lost,” she admitted, and healing took time, “but I do think that her knowing at that point was really important for our relationship.”

For years, Brittany toiled over the decision, but through the FirstChoice Clinic pregnancy resource center, she learned about the “Forgiven and Set Free” program for post-abortion trauma and healing, and joined a post-abortion healing group at church.

Brittany said she was blessed to have met, and married, her college sweetheart, Johnathon Poppe, but had decided against children, preferring to focus on her own fulfillment. “That was a coping mechanism,” she said in hindsight. “I just didn’t think I deserved to have more kids.”

Just as she opened her heart to the idea, she got pregnant. But Brittany wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions that followed. “Every (pre-natal) appointment was a constant reminder of everything I’d done,” she said.

Thankfully, Johnathon had always been gentle about her past. “He had a lot of grace for me then,” she said, which continued as she strove toward healing.

The gift of motherhood

“She loves our kids and always has,” Johnathon said, despite that initial hesitancy toward motherhood. “I just tried to be as easy in caring for her as I could.”

Now, he said, “she’s pretty amazing,” and the one who “holds down the fort.”

“I can’t imagine what being a parent would be like without her. I couldn’t do half the things she does,” he said, like making sure their daughter, Isla, 6, has her ponytail in before dance competitions. “She’s right on top of all of it.”

Brittany said she adores mothering Isla and Cutler, 4, both of whom she homeschools. “I look at it as my most important vocation,” she said, calling her children “my absolute joys.” “My son is hilarious — the jokester of our family who makes me laugh constantly — and my daughter is a mini-mother with her dolls and her little brother. It’s a gift to see them in that way,” she added, noting that they’ll welcome a sibling in October.

Tami said of Brittany: “It took a long time for her to come into the world — 47 hours — but once she was born, I did not want her out of my sight, and through the years, we’ve had a wonderful relationship.”

Like Brittany’s mom, now remarried as Tami Barry, Johnathon said he’s extremely proud to be able to watch his wife “talk to people all over the globe” through her top-rated podcast, “Abortion Recovery for Christian Women,” and other speaking opportunities. He also enjoys watching Brittany and Tami interact.

“I hope my daughter and wife have that type of relationship when they’re older,” he said.

Brittany said she cherishes both relationships, neither of which would be as strong without her post-abortion counseling, friends who helped break the chains and coming to understand God’s true nature of compassion and mercy.

“It doesn’t take a thousand repentances before (God) forgives you,” Brittany said. “You repent one time, genuinely, and he hears it — and it’s wiped clean.”

Look for an expanded version of Brittany’s testimony on The Forum-produced “Matters of Soul Importance” podcast on May 15.

Salonen is a freelance writer and speaker in Fargo and hosts the “Matters of Soul Importance” podcast. She can be reached at roxanebsalonen@gmail.com or roxanesalonen.com.